everything again

molecules come together, molecules break apart. i’m at the age where every interaction seems seeded with a long-term future. i’m at the age where i am pregnant with vulnerability, open at the heart. matt was a good boy to let in. the door is having trouble swinging shut. my face is having trouble closing doors.

you didn’t bring out the best in me. i’m still trying to stagger back to principles, to understanding. or maybe — that was very unfair of me — you just showed me what i was doing wrong. i guess i refused to see how, even in the best-case, the circumstance would be judgement against me regardless of the outcome. we hit the beginning of the end right at the beginning. when i was very wrong, very stubborn on memorial day. i hope this is not for attention, not for a back-winning. a part of me wants to prove that i am better than he knows. this is the greedy part. what is the best way to attract? is it to mildly repel? independent of perverse motivation, i am hurting myself a good amount so the lesson can be learned in a memorable way. i should have been matt back then and shaken myself into an awake state. its hard to shake your own shoulders. its hard to find clarity when alternative incentives are strong.

reset rewind redo redo redo. i had such a strong sense of invincibility. of invisibility. a child in the center of the room with a blanket over her head.

i’m going to sit in this hood over my head until i curl up and die.

the conclusion from this relationship is that i was not a good enough person. this is not me missing a superficial morality, a social gesture, a trapping he left unexamined and is blindly missing. i wanted to ascribe his criticism to an old-fashioned moral compass. instead, i’m realizing his judgments have been milder than my own would have been, had i been wearing my head.

instead, i’ve been wearing my heart. on my head. like a dunce cap.

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