losing sight gaining sight

i passed my qual despite my best efforts. the process was so painful i squirmed under the memories for the past twenty hours and i’m still in what feels like a hot water bath on my brain. conclusions will be listed below and numbered.

1. i don’t know how to write to communicate effectively. somehow, not only can my thoughts not come in order, they also can’t come in words. as exemplified in the preceding sentence and the double list of double sentences, i am not legible.  i need to take longer to write what other people take shorter.

2. i need to stop thinking with my laziness and my ego. somehow the only victory i envision is winning the grant, grade, prize on my own terms in my own ways. despite not playing their game etc etc. this has harmed me over and over. this ideal of how to win is based on laziness and ego — i need to let go and just plain do what i’m told.

3. the old self would have wanted me to pass with less of a burn. the new self is very glad this has happened so early so prior to permanent, s serious damage.

4. i need to climb less and do science more. this is a terrible start. this is a fair judgement on me, though. i need to pay penance and act accordingly — not act as a wronged child. their assesment was more than fair and balanced. i did not pass — i passed.

time to learn. time to learn to stop hating myself. they tell me there exists the secret of separating failure from ego. i need to accept this outcome as a good thing for me.

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