sometimes, i want milk directly out of the carton. for that fresh-squeezed taste. often, i forget the strength of my strengths. when i live in an orange hoodie i want you to admit that this is part of a life choice that your friends can make. i get the feeling that when i suffer a little you suffer a lot. if i can’t shoulder the consequences of my actions because this is your shoulder, too and your shoulder should always feel light, then i am missing the choice of making mistakes, i don’t want to feel obligated to be perfectly functional because you want a power-couple stride to your shoes. its interesting to be in a relationship with the enemy. i used to feel a jealous envy of resentment to the competent kids. they work so hard to stay ahead of the curve, to play the game. now, this ability to tread water is suddenly the expectation. of course you’ll be better than perfect. of course you will be a stable fact-sorter instead of spontaneous genius light on her feet because she is dancing damage control. but the truth is:
i haven’t been able to live up to my own story
i haven’t been able to deliver on the bigger goals that grow from small disappointments.
when i don’t achieve the current-most desires i deal with the situation by building bigger, brighter goals for the future. this all talk, no productivity standards is a five-year-plan with russian soul. just ask stalin how ambition fed the masses.
one thing i still need to learn is the separation of talk and action and how the two cousins are often mistaken for each other.
today i told zoe on the phone about dealing with a clash between reality and head-narrative and how bigger plans for the future are not the way to compensate for today’s failure.
failure is how to deal with failure. the hardest part is not wiggling free.

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